|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Luckily, i didn't have the most comfortable childhood,
Otherwise, in terms of relativity, this feeling would be much worse......
as i have become a woman-- i have come to understand the ways of the world with stinging familiarity,
yet i understand mySelf--exceedingly--dishearteningly less than i once thought....
And now i see in a mirror dimly-----
As a schoolgirl, you have this sort of, (for lack of a more original phrase) "faith like a child" that everything will turn out just the way it should. And who knows, maybe it yet will.
As a child everything is much more clear, and much more pure, as you are sheltered from the realities of life (or as best your guardians are able to do so). Even at the age of legal adulthood, you still feel that you KNOW for certain the way it IS and the way it Will Be.
Or at least, you hope it, "with such fervor" that it feels like certainty.
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." --1 Corinthians 13:11-12
This Verse I never understood, but now in retrospect:
As a child, your world is based upon an inaccurate, naive, and sometimes even egocentric perception of life (it is the self's first attempt to understanding, and wouldn't everyone love to be correct the first time, without influence from the wise and experienced--verily foolish).....
....but when you become an adult, the picture only becomes partially clear, yet there is promise in hopes that understanding will come full-dress-- " i shall know fully, even as i am fully known."
So the Word asks us to have faith, just at the point in life which we have lost the will to do so.
I'm not so sure the idea of "Faith like a Child" is all too impressive. Faith like a child comes with ease, when nothing challenges you from without. It is an ignorant sort of "Faith" a child has, trusting everyone, believing in all the lies meant to maintain the chastity of our minds. And yet we are expected not to fall from faith when the foundations of all these skyscraper hopes are pulled apart by the Truth that is inevitably found when the first step into the world is taken? When the environment changes from the bed time stories, to no bed time, no resting at all? It nearly feels like a sick prank.
The comfort of childhood only leaves the adult self with a plethora of nostalgic yearnings for things past--a sense of regret for having grown-- memory of the ease, happiness, and complacency given to us for merely being born, and only to be taken away without reason, while we are left striving aimlessly to find that feeling somewhere, in something, or someone, once again, until the end. It's a brutal world. I'm nearly inclined to think it easier to be a cat, or a beetle, or some other living creature lacking the mental capability to reason and understand harsh realities---Having the blissful, ignorant faith like a child.
I myself find that i've more and more been living in the past.
i cannot find that childlike faith, nor that childhood comfort.
I'm tired
and it's becoming hard refuse the idea that we havent been living, but dieing since the day we were all born.
Luckily, my childhood was less comforting than most...
so this coming-of-age stings that much less
and was somewhat expected.
"well, of course" | | |
| So im still reading the above book.
I got back on my science kick, and
you know, wanting to know the meaning of life, and other such trifles.
This book is really amazing, so i suggest if you want to understand Everything a bit better you should check it out. It is extremely interesting, on just about every level, and every subject.
Due to reading this, Ive been writing in my journal a lot. I can usually only get through 4 pages of the book before i have to start writing in my journal instead because i run out of room in the margins.
This guys is impressively intelligent in a plethora of areas, (I suppose one should be, if they are working on unifying all knowledge.) and he fancies himself a bit of a poet even, thus making the book an easier read than other books about science. His style and words speak to that inner understanding of truth that we all feel. You know, that calm.
Seriously, check him out.
From another region of the brain...maybe my hypothalamus....?
i miss everyone, and i cant wait to come see you guys next week!
Ill be flying into Faytown on the 22nd,
Russvegas on the 23rd,
staying over to see my mom through the 24th,
eating out for my dads Bday on the 25th,
and partying on the 26th at the Fort.
Im tired of this 3.3.0 shit. I want my 4-7-9!
(F-U-N F-U-N F-U-N as we say on towson and 14th)
I want to see EVERYONE.
2 months seems like forever you know?
PS. Check out Battles (the band)
The song Atlas is eerily sweet.
| | |
| ok, so here i am at work (the airport-CAK) bored out of my mind! we have a huge space between flights that we dont do anything. Although, im not complaining about getting payed to write on xanga. Sometimes i take a nap on the couch in the break room. So lately ive just been working a whole lot. When im not working at the airport i go into Cleveland and help out at AP. All the people there are pretty cool, but not overly friendly. Of course not right? i mean they are probably pretty elitist. But they did invite me out for margaritas last night (which i had to turn down, because i worked this morning at 5:30 am). It has its perks, though, working there. One being free Red Bull that i can steal and take with me to work at 5am. There are alot of shows i want to go to up here. Including, but not limited to: Shiny Toy Guns (again) -- i think im on the list for them... someone at AP asked if i wanted to go and wrote my name down...so i guess thats what that means... which is fine with me since shows up here are REDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE. Kings of Leon (another repeat, but well worth it, with the new CD and all) Paramore (dont know if ill like that too much, but ill give it a try) Damien Rice (in KC... who wants to meet me down there?!) Regina Spektor.... (you pick the place... ill meet you there, too) If you guys notice any shows coming through Cleveland that i would like please let me know. There are so many places to look i might miss a few. Im SO excited JAMES is coming to live with me and Eddie!
he gets here May 5.
that will really help out, and be nice to have a friend (who makes friends easily...something i dont do too well) Speaking of friends, i miss everyone alot! I am coming to visit after james moves so Eddie has someone to hang with while im gone. Probably middle of May. The airline i work for now give me free flights, so its just a matter of when i can get off. Here are a list of things i want to do: Go downtown FS with Leslie and Jacqulin, and whomever else. :)
Go out in Faytown with Megan and my UA friends
Dance! (at RedRockCity, in FS... or maybe Russellville)
Go to Russellville to see my mom, Grandpa, and then hang out with friends.
maybe see my dad (if i have time) and my brother.
Give Erica her b-day present! (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!)
Go by the school and say hey to some teachers.
This is all over the course of like mayyyybe 4 days, so let me know when you guys have time to see me! i love you <3 | | |
| lets play
WHERE's EDDIE!
eddie strangely had no photos of the past... these are the first photos i have seen of him from highschool. crazy! | | |
| EDIT:
i took my address off.
nobody seemed to like the idea of snail mail.
:endEDIT
My new address^
write me if you want, or more preferably, come visit. We have an extra bedroom. Or maybe just come live with us. :)
i love you guys, and hopefully ill be back to visit as much as possible.
REAL update will come later, or via snail mail, if you please.
<3 | | |
|
